Before I forget!

I have to document more this week, because Dex does so many new things so quickly, and I have to remember it all! Today he was doing way too many cool things. (at least...cool to me, anyway..) The best is that he learned to say "night night". He went up to my mom today basically asking for a nap. He is such a smartie. He is so funny because he copies everything we do, and things I don't realize that he picks up on. Today he found a dryer sheet on the floor...and he started going around to all the glass tables wiping them with it.lol (he must have copied that from grandma...lol) and then he took it and started rubbing it in the carpet vigorously...which made me laugh, because Derrick is always trying to get the carpet super clean when Dex spills or myself....and Dex does watch him clean the carpet. A LOT.

There were things I thought prior to being a parent..that I see now is just craziness..but I never knew how hard it would be to do even things around the house, because at this age, they want you in there sight at almost all times. Even, then....I can be in the kitchen outside of his baby gate, and he will be upset because he can't get to me. He will scream and hold his hands up till I pick him up. And let me tell you, it is NOT easy to do dishes with a huge 14 month old on your already horrible hips. (let me remind you...there is still no baby gate at our stairs...so i can't just set him down...our stairs were built before new children safety codes I believe. You can't just put the gate up..it will have to be rigged somehow because of the railing...and we will have to put mesh stuff around the slats as well..so he doesn't fall through...needless to say..due to my back becoming that of a 90 year old woman..this must get done asap.)

Being the tv junky that I am, I also thought..I will so be able to watch a show or two in the background while playing with Dex...obviously that will be just fine. NOT SO MUCH. I don't think I have had anything but baby programs on for the past 3 months. I put on the Ellen show one day, and he brought me the remote basically yelling at me to change it to his dvd. How do I know this is what he wanted, you ask? Because he pointed at the tv yelling with one hand and had the remote flailing at the dvd player in the other. He knows you have to point it at the dvd player to work..but he doesn't understand how to do that yet..Being Derricks son, I am sure he will know soon. He knows how to press play on the dvd player itself though...which cracks us up...because if the tv isn't on..he keeps trying to press play thinking it will work. He is so funny.

Another cute thing he did today was helping me take some ornaments down. Just the ones at the bottom he could reach. It was so cute because he wanted to hang them back on the tree, because he knew they were supposed to be there, but he would just place them on a branch because he didn't know how to hook them on. I am telling you, the kid is a genius. lol.

I started showing him these flashcards with pictures of things you see every day so he could start to learn more..and I showed him the picture of the airplane, and he grabbed the card from me, ran to the window, and started looking up at the sky pointing! lol! He thought I was telling him there was an airplane outside because tons fly over my parents house, and they always show him all the airplanes. C'mon, he is seriously awesome at comprehension.(and they say baby formula isn't as good as breast milk...jk..i know it is..hehe, but still, didn't affect my babe!) I'm not even sure who "they" are...but they are out there..haha

Alright. I think I got it all down...

Holidays.....

Holidays are here, and they are way more fun now with Dex. When we put the lights on the tree, it was awesome to see his little face light up as well. I can't wait till he opens his presents on Christmas Eve with the family. We are having Christmas Eve at our house this year with both our immediate familys. Christmas Day up at Silver Lake with Derricks extended family, and the Day after in Grand Haven with my Step-father in laws family. They have an enormous family get together of around 40 people. So it should be pretty crazy.

What is Dex doing these days you ask? Well, let's see here. Lately he likes to ask for his baabaa in a whisper. For some reason he thinks it's pretty funny to say "baabaa" in a hushed voice, like it's some awesome secret only the two of us know. He understands full sentences, and it always amazes me to see if he will follow through with what I say. For instance, "Do you wanna give the treat to the doggy?" and then he looks at me all excited and takes the treat over to her. Or, "Do you wanna come sit on my lap?" and he gets all excited and lifts his arms for me to pick him up. Or, "Do you wanna go find Daddy?" and then he usually squeals with delight. It's probably his favorite thing to do. He knows daddy has a mancave, so that is usually his first spot to look. He pushes the door open squealing and almost sounding like he is talking in tongues sometimes. Creepy I know. He better learn to talk soon. He is getting good at mimicking. He was watching a kid program and they were saying letters, and he said the letter "R" right back. He also knows how to say "moo" for a cow...and for meow, he says something like "maww" for a cat. We also have a farm book, and he can point out the tractor each time.

He does so many cute things I feel the need to document it all, so I can always remember it. He was tickling grandpas feet the other day, which was super fun for him. He also is a clever little guy, and was looking through a book, and the litte bear was was upside down so he turned the book around so the bear would be right side up. He felt accomplished after that. Dex is also obsessed with the Einstein Dvds which we are going to have to cut back on! It got to the point where the tv wouldn't even be on, and he would come up to me with the remote whining..and I was like..hmmm...I don't think so..So we are trying to limit that, because we would just have it on in the background for him because of the classical music. But he gets so warped into it, he just sorta stands there in a daze.

Dex also loves playing in his new tunnel with Triz the cat. Triz is everywhere Dex is since he was a new born. They are good buddies, except when Dex touches the cat wrong and he attacks him with his claws..but other than that...they love each other dearly.

Now, off to nap before the little one gets up from his.

13 months old and counting...

13 MONTH MAN~

Well, we had our first birthday party, and it went great! The Fajita/Walking Taco bar was a hit, and we got to eat for days! Dexter has a love for food, so he liked his bday cake, but doesn't really like to get too dirty. He was pretty dainty when it came to actually putting his hands in. Sometimes if something gets stuck on his hand, he puts it in front of me wanting me to clean it off. One of his favorite past times is picking fuzz or Kela hair off the floor to give to me, so that I get rid of it. I feel as though he may take after all the neat freaks in my life. Ha ha..which is EVERYONE but me.

What else has little man been doing you ask?? Well he has been destroying things. I like to call him "Dexter the Destroyer". He has a joy throwing tv remotes, hard toys, books, and pushing table chairs across the room, and dumping full cups of water everywhere.

Dex began full-on walking everywhere a few days after his party. He had been taking short strolls prior, but only full fledged after. He doesn't take too many spills anymore, and loves running into the dog and flopping over her furry belly. Thank goodness the dog doesn't mind. His fave toy is the Cozy Coupe car from my Godparents!

As for talking, he seems to think he has a lot to say. He will mimic us if we stay things, and the we are surprised if he actually says it back. It's exciting to see him copy us. I showed him how to put blocks on top of each other instead of showing him how to push them all down, which is funny to watch..he actually placed them on top of eachother, and THEN he pushed them down. He also points the remote at the tv and pushes the buttons because he sees us do that. He pretends to text on my phone, and looks super into it when he is hitting the buttons with his thumb, and he bashes away on our keyboards. He recently tried to play my DS game, and I thought it was the cutest thing. I cracked up the other day when he was watching the animals drink water, and he started sticking his tongue out thinking he was being a part of thier club.

He claps and waves bye bye, and the thing he does ALL DARN DAY..is point to direct us where to go. He thinks this is great, because he has just realized how to play us. He will scream and point to go into one room, then get all giggly and quick point to a different room thinking he is so funny for switching it up last minute. His pointer finger is basically his voice right now. I leave certain things out, because then he can just show me what he wants. He seems to always point at the cheerio box. I think he has a cheerio obsession. He enjoys stealing his best bud, Hudsons O's all the time. He's a pretty smart little dude, and loves being outside. It's getting cold out though, so I might actually get him a little snowsuit. I was going to wait till next year..but he won't last being cooped up inside all day.

He recently was reintroduced to the Einsteing Dvds, and those have been a LIFESAVER! I cannot tell you how those help me get things done. He forgets I left the room he is so engrossed in the tv. He eventually figures it out and then goes and screams at the gate..but still! It helps. He is getting SOOOO heavy. It is difficult to bend with him, and pick things up. OMG. But ya can't just put him down, or he will run away and go open cupboards or try to go down the stairs(we still need a gate for that area, we just have him gated in the living room and dining area) The stairs he has always been a big fan of climbing, but recently he has wanted to try to "walk"down them. He always wants me to hold his hand, and step down each one. I do this for a few steps then pick him up, because it is dangerous. I don't get a good grip that way. Those kids will sucker you into doing anything.

Soooo...what have I learned the first year??? Don't listen to all the crap people tell you to do with your baby!! We did a lot of the norm, and a lot of the stuff people said NEVER to do, and guess what?? They were totally WRONG in what he ended up doing. First of all, little man slept with us for the first 5 months, in our room/in our bed. We were told he would never sleep in his room, and freak out and want to come sleep with us. He did the opposite. He actually slept better, and slept through the night once we moved him. This also was during the time we started to feed him solid foods. That also helped. Since Derrick worked all day, it was a nice time that he got to spend with Dex cuddling.

We were pretty laid back in the beginning and let him sorta show us his schedule, and it was surprising that they do just fall into one! After we sorta found it, then we got strict with it. That schedule determines theirs/and your night. Now I know why moms freak out when someone else watches their kid in the beginning. If any little thing goes different in the day, it could determine a horrible night for the parents! Luckily I had my moms watch Dex from day 1, and then they could see how he was. This helped that he doesn't freak out when I hand him over to be babysat. He is pretty good with strangers depending on if he has had a nap or not. Otherwise, it's mommytime all the way.

It has been great hosting playgroups because I think it will help the kids to learn to play/share. This is hilarious to watch since it is all beginning right now. They just grab each others toys and freak out. The moms usually laugh, and just try to explain sharing. I am not sure when that clicks..but so far it's not too bad!

Can't wait for all the other milestones to come. That is pretty much a wrap for now!

My baby is "1" in a few days!!!

It's been ONE YEAR?! What an amazing one it has been. I can't believe how much joy one little boy could bring to so many families. Through loved ones passing away, this little guy kept minds cheerful, and positive. Through huge life changes, this little guy kept everyone going. He doesn't know it yet how much he has changed all our lives, but as he gets older, we will share it all with him.

A friend of mine used to say to me, "You will never understand the love of a mother to her child, until you have your own"...being my stubborn self, I was like "Well, I love YOUR children, Leeanna! :) " and then...I had one, and was like "Ohhh....I see..."..that whole overwhelming feeling of love that fills you up, and spills out your ears, down through your toes.I get it now.

The first time they wrap their little arms around your neck and give you a hug. The first time they open their eyes and look up at you when they are first born. Holding their little hand, and them trusting you implicitly. Being that person who comforts them, when actually it is them who is comforting you. Being so proud of every moment, even if it's just them pointing at an object and understanding what it is. It is more than that. It's just pure love.

Even our little Cora changed our lives. She would be two years old this December. Babies are such a blessing. She will be talked about always. How can I not? I gave birth to a little girl, a daughter. A little girl who "I" knew, and bonded with in those almost 6 months of pregnancy. Dex will know he had a sister, and it's nothing to be ashamed to talk about.

Love to my babies.

Looking forward to the new year

It's been awhile, but Dex is almost ready for his 1st birthday! He is making us so proud with taking his first steps, and just being the best little boy we could ever ask for. The last few months it has been amazing watching him grow. From eating all sorts of new foods to pulling himself up onto everything in sight, and getting across the whole living room on two feet. We love his curly hair like his dad, and his blue eyes like...hmmm...no one has eyes like him!
Next year we have three out of state weddings, and we get to take Dex to FL and CA. We have another wedding in CO, but we will leave Dex home for that one. It will be his first time at Disney World! I know he probably won't remember when he gets older, but he lights up when he looks at ceiling fixtures or door stoppers... So imagine how much he will get to take in at Disney! I am nervous about taking him on a plane since he doesn't like to sit still...that should be interesting...He for sure got Derricks genes there.

Derrick has been doing great at work, and has recently had to travel for work once a month for about a week. Dex and I miss him, but manage well with help from both Grandparents. I work three days a week currently, and manage to fit in all of my clients. It's a blessing to be able to be with my son the rest of the week.

We are very excited to meet cousin Wes soon, and have a lot of joy to look forward to in the next few months. I am also thinking of my friends Laurie and Errick and their battle with Cancer. I know that "Trudy" will be shrinking away with each and every day!

With that being said I would like to say that I am also thinking of all of my family right now and Grandma Helen. She is an amazing woman, and we are sending her our love.

Zayde got his wish!

What a great weekend :) My Zayde was back in the rehab center minus his infections. He was just at the hospital for a UTI issue, and thank goodness was released back to rehab. We packed our bags and jumped at the chance to bring Dex to see him. We have been waiting and waiting because Zayde has been in the hospital since January. We were not allowed to take Dex at the time because he was too young, and Zayde had numerous infections and was on the contagious floor at the hospital. It was hard a few months ago, because when I went to visit him,I had to keep Dex in the lobby. It was sad for him knowing his great grandson was actually in the building but he couldn't go near him. At that visit, it looked literally like he was on his death bed. He couldn't talk, and he had an oxygen mask on. He couldn't even sit up or in a wheelchair. He was NOT himself by any means. I thought I was basically saying goodbye that trip.
So moving ahead,we got to his floor and he was waiting in the hallway. I was in SHOCK to see him like the man I knew prior to his last visit. For having congestive heart failure, he was doing as good as he can be. He was alert and speaking with his arms out waiting to hold Dex :)
Our visit went well, but Dex was pretty ornery from the trip down. We drove straight to the facility, so I had to quick change/feed/play with him to get him settled. He wanted to get down and crawl, but we weren't about to put him on that floor. It's still basically like a hospital. Needless to say we couldn't stay more than an hour and a half or so. Zayde also needed a nap, so the timing was actually ok. Grandma and him kept saying how much of a Swidersky he looked like. They couldn't get over it.
I'm still not sure how he has bounced back to his current state. Obviously he is much weaker, and needs a wheelchair, but my Grandma thinks there will be a chance he gets to go home. At this point I can say it could be possible, but only if he gets the strength to walk. My Grandma is a bitty little thing, and she wouldn't be able to care for him if he couldn't stand on his own. Zayde is one determined guy, I will give him that! All the people at the facility love him because he is a really kind man. When we got there they were all excited to meet Dex and congratulate Zayde for getting to meet him. It was a cool experience for sure :)

My brain is mush!

I have been getting a chance to see my gal pals lately, but life has sure been busy! I have been wanting to see my buddy Laurie who is home, and we finally got the chance the other day. Even though it was a short visit, it was so nice to just say hi, and have the boys together. :)It's also been great seeing Elissa every week! We have been getting dessert martini's these days..YUM! Yesterday to top off everything, I got to see Ann and get some Yucca Yucca!!!!!! If you haven't tried some, you must. Dex was sort of a grumpy pants when she came over, which is new for him. I am seeing some 'tude coming through!
Hallelujah! Today I got to see Lauren, Karen, and Tom! They had their bunches of kids with them. We went to Grand Rapids Township park. I had never been there before. It was awesome. Dex was getting sleepy so on the way home so I figured he would pass out. Note to self-Don't forget to put the pacifier back there for him if he is going to pass out. He cried for five minutes then passed out until we got home. Then he got his pacifier. Eeeeek, learned my lesson.
On another note. My cousin Erin just found out she is having a BOY! Wesley Lucas!(Not sure if I spelled it correctly) but how exciting! She will be here in just a matter of days for a visit! I am hoping they will be super close!
Now to go start packing for our week at Silver Lake!

Michelle & Renee meet!

Wow. Has time really gone by this fast?! I got to meet my buddy Renee all the way from Texas! Funny how it seemed like we knew each other our whole lives. It's not everyday someone can just meet a person online that feels like you have known them forever. Her family was just as I had pictured them. We all got along great, and it was such an easy, laid back, comfortable, relaxed trip! Her kids were just great, and we had so much fun with them! Doug and Derrick got along perfect,and we all just loved the babies up.
We went to the largest Children's Museum around! It was so cool! We also enjoyed our complimentary alcoholic beverages at the hotel from 5:00-7:30pm...one of the main reasons we chose the Embassy Suites hotel...ha ha.
I can't fully explain how awesome it was to get to hang out in person. Best friends just from some facebook chat? Is that possible we kept asking ourselves...umm.."totally!" We pretty much text all day long, even on the way there, and the way back..hehe. I miss them already! So so sad to say goodbye. If we lived near them we would be together all the time :( We decided we would go see them in Texas hopefully!! We need to go before we have to pay for a ticket for Dex..so before he is 2, and before we try again for another baby :) Now at least we have some happy memories to hang onto for awhile till the next visit! Cora, Evan, Logan, and Dex brought our friendship together. Thank you little ones :) Even in loss, we can find some joy :) Love ya buddy!

Michelle and Renee's adventure begins!!

Two years ago I met my best friend, Renee. Through our losses, we found friendship. If it weren't for facebook and the random pregnancy loss site I stumbled upon, we would have never met. Chatting on facebook we realized how much we had in common and then we exchanged phone numbers and began texting and talking every day! We spent lots of time crying together on the phone. When I found out I was pregnant again, she was the first person I called. At that point I was still in disbelief that it was true, but she said,"Michelle, that is positive..u r pregnant"..Just a few weeks later, she got to call me as well and tell me she was too! Evan and Cora were 4 weeks apart..and Logan and Dex are as well. We went through our loss, grief, and pregnancies together. Without her I would have never healed properly. We tried to make each other laugh when we never thought it would be possible, and didn't even feel guilty for it. In just a few hours I will finally get to hug her! Pictures soon to come!

Croup-tastic

Sooo, Dex is trying to get over Croup. It sucks. He has not been himself for a week now! He started out having a low grade fever for two days, poor guy, then not really wanting to eat, to having a major seal-like cough. The cough seems almost gone now, and he was on steroids for three days..but he still is a little plugged up and not really on his normal schedule.
I think he may have gotten me sick, but I am not sure. Maybe it's just from being out of sorts and tired. Hopefully he will kick this soon.
We are going to watch Derrick play soccer today, so that will be fun. Clare and Carl will be there, and I invited Elissa. Yay for being out with friends! It's so fun to bring the baby out to see everyone :)

7 Months and thinking back...

Little man is 7 months old! Can you believe it?! Seems like yesterday I was trying to figure out what kind of personality he was going to have by how he was in my belly. I determined he was going to be a very chill baby with super strong legs. So far I am correct! He wasn't super active in my belly, but he really had some pointy toes that would kill my side. I know for a fact Cora would have been super hyper, because she was moving around 24-7.
Today we went to Frederick Meijer Gardens and had such a great time. Just being a family and walking around with each other was an amazing feeling. Everything over the past two years felt so worthwhile.
Even though pregnancy was so scary for us, it's a risk worth taking to have this little gift, our son. Through all the shots, the worry, the pain, the stress, the lack of sleep during and after...it's the risk you take to become a parent. What would have happened if we stopped trying after Cora was born? What if we were too scared to never move forward? What if we let our fears get in the way? What if I decided to wait to try again after Cora was born, being that was what my doctor ordered? What if I had decided to listen to her, which I did not, and started trying asap.....? I decided to let my body do what it wanted to do, and not what a doctor decided. I do trust my doctor, but I knew that the only way I would get through Cora's death, was with new life. I know me better than anyone else. Sometimes we have to follow nature, and our bodies...and not strictly someones orders all the time.
To my dear friends, I say this, "Don't give up, it will happen. You will also be on the other side of this one day. You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but you will. Through these pregnancy hardships, losses, tears, and pain, it will make you a stronger and more amazing person..and look at life in a new light. You are not alone."
I remember after I delivered Cora, I looked at Derrick and said "I will never do this again." Who was I kidding? It took a few days before I realized we would get through this, and after going to all the adoption websites daily..and talking with Derrick. He said, "Let's just try again, if nothing happens, we will adopt, or, if we do get pregnant and everything turns out okay, we could still adopt."
I know people always say, "You are lucky you don't have to be a woman!"..but I disagree.
My heart weighs heavy for my friends. Dedicated to you.

Been awhile!

Well, seems as though time goes by quickly when you are having a blast with your child! Life has been pretty great, and Dex is growing so much! He has such a personality, loves to smile and laugh, and touch EVERYTHING! If I am carrying him, he even tries to grab at the wall, it's like he has to know what it is all is about! He loves textures of fabric, and likes to scratch different fabrics that make noises when he touches them. He is sitting up quite well now, loves to jump with the help of mom and dad, and looooooves FOOD! He is obsessed with drinking from our cups, and most recently loves to suck water out of straws, also with the help of mom and dad. He lights up when he sees the dog or the cats, and he tries to put the cats head in his mouth. We are assuming that is his way of kissing him, or he is just a freak. Either or, it's pretty cute! He recently felt the grass between his toes, and thought that was pretty neat, and he is still getting used to the bright sun! I need to find him baby shades. He is sensitive to the sun like his mom and dad. We always tear up. He loves to be sung to, and is obsessed with my mom singing the intsy bitsy spider song, and he loves when I sing the ABC's..granted I did sing him some Red Hot Chili Peppers the other day..and he didn't mind that either. He has been sleeping so much better, and we are not sure why, but we won't jinx it! He goes down super easy, we just put him in the crib with his fishy aquarium, and turtle light, and pacifier, and he is good to go! We lucked out in that area! He is a pretty chill guy, and loves people, but at first lately has had a little stranger anxiety. I guess this is the age for that! He is very vocal, and loves to scream to get our attention if we walk out of the room. He just laughs when he does that, knowing he is being a little turd. We are excited to keep watching him grow and learn, and when he does we are just amazed! Daddy loves to sing Dex songs from the 70's, so he is slowly learning those tunes. Bath time is our fave! We love to play with him, and watch him splash around! Daddy loves to take naps with Dex on the weekends. Much deserved cuddle time. Dex is not crawling yet, and we are fine with that! We want him to stay a baby as long as possible! No teeth yet either!
Tomorrow is my big bday bash, and Dex will be staying the night at my moms for the first time! I am sure he won't mind, and Daddy and I will be partying it up, and ready to see him the very next day for mothers day/my bday!

Little man is growing!

So little Dex is growing so fast. He is now rolling over and playing with his feet all the time! Soon we will be feeding him real food as well! I am probably going to wait until he is close to 6 months though. I can't wait to see his face when we start to introduce him to the new tastes. It's pretty fun seeing him change! Right now he is grabbing at my skirt because of all the colors. We are on the floor and he rolled right over to me! Such a big boy. He has had some super cute giggle fits, so I think he will have a good sense of humor! He does have a stubborn personality too already! He keeps getting stuck on his tummy and I try to push him back over, but he fights it! He want's to be on his tummy but screams because he is stuck. He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he is in charge, ha ha. He loves to chat with us all night as well. Sometimes when he should be sleeping! He is a very relaxed baby. He just kinda chills and smiles at everything and anyone. We got to introduce Dex to all of Derricks coworkers the other day, and they had a blast meeting him. Everyone got to hold him, and squeeze his cheekers! I am starting to feel more and more like myself lately. It's weird how I have been out of sorts since 2008. It's nice to feel pretty again, and to be able to wear normal clothes...It may seem like something trivial, but it's a big deal to me! Everything else is going well, and we look forward to all of Dex's milestones!

It's been awhile!

So, life has been hectic! We have been back and forth seeing my Zayde. Dex still has not gotten to meet him. I visited with him this past weekend and he looked weaker. I broke down crying while rubbing his arm. I tried to contain myself but it was too difficult. I told him it scared me to see him like that. He understood. He did say a few words during that visit and sorta still had a sense of humor. He nicknamed Derrick "sure shot" after I got pregnant, and yelled it out as Derrick walked into the hospital room. hehe. That was pretty funny. He had a breathing treatment while we were there, and that tuckered him out. Dex got to meet other family members this trip around to chicago and that was fun. We just wish there was a way for him to meet his great grandpa still. The other day Zayde was rushed to the ICU and he was hallucinating for a bit. That was kinda scary. They calmed him down and gave him a sleeping pill. My dad rushed down there today to see how he was doing. It turned out he needed a chest tube to suck out all the extra fluid, and it made him feel a little better and he was able to eat! That is something positive! We will take anything we can get!
Dex helps us all get through this hard time. Just him laughing or talking his funny talk to us lifts our spirits super high! He is an amazing little baby. Cousin Carly had him laughing his butt off last weekend. It was awesome. He has found his feet and loves to pretend to cough. He thinks that is pretty funny. He isn't mobile yet, which we are happy with. We are not ready for this little guy to be all over the place! He loves to stand. That is is favorite. We just hold him up and he is happy as can be. I dunno if maybe that means he might walk before he crawls..we will see!

Thinking of Zayde

My Zayde (grandfather)..is not doing well. He is one of the closest people in my life. I knew the day would come when he may not be around, but was pretty much in denial about it. I figured he would be around until my child was at least 6 years old. I love how I think I have control in the matter. (sarcasm). I am not prepared to see him in the hospital, and I don't know what to expect. What do you say to someone you care about so much, knowing that THEY know they won't be around for much longer? Can one possibly cheer them up? Is he ready to go? Is he pissed as hell he can't meet his great grandson? Am I supposed to pretend like it's not a big deal that they will never meet? It just all doesn't seem fair. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Life will not be the same without him. I won't get to hear his praises if I make him proud, or he won't be there to cheer me up when I am down. It sucks. When Cora died he helped to clear my head, along with my grandma. They had lost a baby girl as well. Cora's middle name was named after my Zayde. His name is Raymond, and Cora's middle name was Rae. He let me know how he handled things when his baby girl died, and told me how I would get through it. You think they will always be there, but life doesn't really happen that way. All I know is his blood runs through me, as well as Dex. Dex has blue eyes from my Zayde, down through my dad, and from myself. He is the reason we started having kids when we did. He called me and said "I'm not getting any younger, I would love some great grand kids!" so i obliged! Yet, ironically, he doesn't get to meet any of them. Life will just not be the same. He is the head of our family...and now that role will be eventually passed down to my dad.

Weekends are the best!

Today has been very relaxing. Dex usually wakes up pretty upset because he detests mornings just like his mother, but once he is up he is happy as can be. Derrick and I take turns getting things done on the weekend and I always take a bath in the morning first. On this particular morning we decided Dex wanted to take a dip with mommy. He loved it. I think he is going to be a big fan of the water. Thankfully we have the cottage to go to all summer. He is going to become a fish! I think we will start swim classes in a few months. It just is weird how our whole fam has to be in every room together, even the bathroom! Seriously..my pets are crazy.
We also have some nicknames or this little guy, such as: Goo, GooGoo face, BusterBrown, Bubbas, and Googie..Funny how that would have annoyed me when I wasn't a mom..haha Well, off to eat breakfast. Derrick makes me and Bob eggs every sat!

Dex went on his first vacation this week. We went to the Little River Casino, and Crystal Mountain. He did so well in the car. He slept the whole time. We also used his stroller for the first time, and he loved that! Since it's been so cold, I haven't had a chance to take Dex anywhere because I would rather him be in the warm house. This was a good experience to test it out and be outta the home for once. We went with Derricks fam, and they were kind enough to watch the babe while we gambled.

In the morning we went to Crystal Mountain so they could ski, and so I could go to the spa. everyone had a great time, and Dex was pretty pooped out that day. He slept in the stroller a decent amount.

It was also Derricks 30th bday, and I made him a mousepad with pictures of our family. He loved it, and Dex got daddy playing cards for poker. Was a great two days!

Loving Change!

Sooo...life has been busy! Since starting training I have finally used my muscles again, or basically for the first time..Not like I did sports or anything, ever. I am excited to see results in a few months! My diet is getting easier..but I have to get creative. I had shredded chicken in lettuce wrapped up last night..and salmon for lunch. I get to have a snack in between, so it's not like I'm starving..it's just that my body is craving frenchfries, and nuttybars.Argh! Not having bread is ok, I never really liked how full it made me feel. Derrick likes to still have yucky stuff in the house which does not help me any...so I may have to get rid of it all! My trainer is pretty cool, he isn't pushing me too crazy just yet. I am eating around 1200 calories a day right now..but it is ok, cuz I am basically eating all day.
Little Dex has turned 3 months! Can you believe it! He is cooing up a storm, and laughing! He really knows who his mommy is now! If someone else is holding him, he follows my voice around the room with his eyes. It's too cute! He loves bath time and splashing his feet in the water! Last night he decided to suck on his pointer fingers. He cringes when he bites down too hard! We are so lucky to have such a good baby!He only gets fussy for about a 5 minute stretch, until we figure out what the issue is. He enjoys watching the tv, which helps me out tons when I gotta make food, or clean, etc. Just pop him in the swing and he is content as can be! I usually find him talking to the screen. I still have not been really taking him out much unless it's to my families houses, doc appt's, or a friends house. I am just waiting till it is nicer out to use the stroller finally! Can u believe we haven't had a chance to use it yet?? I guess I wouldn't use it in the slushy snow, though. I hope we have a summer baby next time! Although at least in the winter one can hide the baby fat...hmmm...
Basically, life is going pretty good! We get to go out tonight for Derrick and Dj's birthday party at Craigs Cruisers, and then go downtown for drinks! Grandma will be happy to have a whole night with Dex tonight. That might be hard for me because I always put him down for the night. :( Oh well..I will see him when I get home, hopefully sleeping peacefully!

The path to healthier living

Since having Dex life has been lots easier mentally. Thinking back to everything that happened with Cora made me see who my true friends really are, and I look at life in a whole new light. It was like the blinds were finally lifted, if that makes sense. Little things don't matter. Life is short, and it's time I started living again! I am going to get my body healthy now, since my mind is finally healing, and I am going to get out of the house and back into the community. I will say good-bye to my old friend, "couch"....and say hello to my new friend "outside"....I just started working out with a personal trainer, and am excited to get myself healthy and in shape. This is a step I couldn't do without some help. I never have worked out or have done sports, so I wouldn't have a clue where to start without help. I feel this will make me a better parent as well, and have lots more energy. Another thing I want to challenge myself with, is to cut cheese out of my diet. For those of you who know me really well, I don't go a day without it! I am going a month without, and am hoping to see if my body will show some results from that as well. I figure I will reintroduce it slowly, but I might be grossed out by it after a month without it...(yeah right, what am i thinking, i will still love it..) So that is what the plan is for now. Little Dex will have a hot mom, and Derrick will be excited to have a hot wife again with the same body from highschool..(that's what I'm hoping!)

Haiti

I watched what was going on in Haiti today, and it does make one thankful for what we have. I feel awful for the poor little kids over there. I'm glad Amy said I could text 501-501, and text YELE..to donate. We will also go online to donate more...My little guy had started crying in his crib, and people keep saying "oh just let them cry"...but that little guy is lucky his parents ARE here to go pick him up..so up he went!!

Just thinking...

Just thinking about my cousin today and how strong she is. What we now share a bond of is not a bond I would want to share with anyone, but it helps knowing what another person is going through. I won't say anything cliche' about why things occur...I just am used to saying. "This sucks, and it will get easier". Much love to you today, and the rest of the following weeks..

Funny Buddy

Dex loves to play and interact these days! If I turn away or something he starts to make noises, so I turn back and he is all smiles. He loves to get kisses, and be talked to. His other new fave toy is a stuffed puppy that plays music. He is getting so big! He is starting to look like a little person now, too fun.

Happy Baby!

Dex finally is happy and himself again! I had over Shannon, Karyn, Stacy, and Shannons baby Liam last night. Dex was calm and not fussy. Shannon told me about the Mycolin drops, and we gave those to him. He liked the flavor too. We had a great taco night, and it was good to see everyone.
When I got home from work today, we tried out the Bumbo seat. He really liked it! I thought he looked so funny in it.

SHOTS

Well, Dex got his first set of shots. We didn't have any done at birth because we wanted to wait until he was older and stronger. He received three shots the other day, and an oral. He has not been the same since...just pretty irritated. I am hoping this gets better. Dex was screaming on and off all day, and just whimpering the day before. I have a feeling his legs are sore from the shots. After I gave him the tylenol tonight, he pretty much passed out. I am hoping he will be better tomorrow. Also, he has not pooped since the other day...hoping he gets that back to normal again too! I dunno why the little guy is so off...even his feeding are off. He falls asleep between bottles, and then we don't know how much he wants the next time, or when. A bit confusing since he was like clockwork prior to that day...hoping we can get him regulated again..poor little guy.

A New Beginning!

For the weeks after Cora left us, all we wanted to do was have another baby. We switched doctors and went to a specialist. Dr. Freeburger told us to wait for a certain amount of months until we healed emotionally and physically. We tried a little earlier than we were supposed to...and WHAM, pregnant. What was weird though, is that after I had missed my period...it didn't show positive until three weeks later. Everyone obviously thought I was nuts, because I kept saying that I just knew I was! I felt different, and emotional, granted with all that had happened it was to be expected. I don't know if anyone knew what I was going through the day I was about to take that positive pregnancy test...but I was driving around crying all day. It started when I went to Barnes and Noble to get books on pregnancy loss. I was crying the whole time in the store and had to leave. I ended up calling my Financial Advisor lady who was a big support to me at that time. She had given birth to a child years ago that did not survive as well. She calmed me down and I was heading home anyway.
When I got home my neighbors, an elderly couple, were outside doing yardwork. When I lost Cora, I hadn't told them yet because I didn't leave the house for a month or so, and didn't want to bring it up. When I got out of my car, they exclaimed "Where is the baby?! We want to meet her!" I dropped to the ground bawling. They assumed I went into labor and had the baby and all was fine. They brought me inside their house and comforted me. It was rough. When I went into my house finally, I decided to take one last test. There was a big blue plus sign??!! I thought I was nuts. I had Derrick bring home more tests. Sure enough all positive. I called my friend Renee in Texas in disbelief. I still was telling her that I didn't believe it. We both were trying to get pregnant again, as she lost a little boy named Evan, around the same time.
Because no one knew what happened with my last pregnancy, I was deemed "high risk". I had to get weekly injections of progesterone which hurt really bad in my tushy. I also had weekly ultrasounds/checkups. I decided not to work during this pregnancy because it would be too much mentally, physically, and i had to schedule all these doc appt's.
This pregnancy was going pretty well, but obviously mentally it was rough. I did lots of therapy and whatnot to get me through it.
We had one scare with the specialists, when they found something in our sons brain. They didn't tell us anything except they will check it again a few weeks later. We were a mess. They made it seem like it was life threatening at the time or something. Stupid doctor. It turned out to be nothing at all.
Needless to say, everything else went great besides my horrible ligament pain. I couldn't really sit, stand, or walk comfortably! It was all worth it though! Our little man finally arrived, and we can finally breathe again! Now the parenting with new worries begins!

2008 and beyond....

For those of you who do not know our past, it seemed like life began and ended in 2008. We found out that we were going to be first time parents, and we were elated. My pregnancy was going perfect, until I went into pre-term labor at 22 weeks. Our daughter, Cora Rae, did not survive because she was too little..weighing in at only 1 pound 2 ounces. We were lucky enough to be able to hold her while she took her last breath. I won't go into details, as we are finally moving forward..but for those of you who thankfully were around to help us get through that time...you know what awful time that was.
All I want to say is, that if you know anyone who has lost a pregnancy, whether through miscarriage, birth, pre-term labor, or some other sort of way..Please just be there for them. All you have to do is be there. You don't have to say or do anything, just give a hug if you don't know what to do or say. Also know there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no period of time that is "normal" to be healed. We all heal at our own pace. When one loses a child, you lose a part of yourself for life. It is like someone tore a limb from you. I wish it upon not even my worst enemy.