Feels like a year went by.

So, it's been a week or so since the miscarriage. It's like we were never planning for a baby after all. So weird to switch things up so fast. We will be trying again, but not for a few months. We were going to try when we were originally planning, and hope for the best then. That loss always lingers, but like I said before, we have been through worse...sadly...It always sucks though when people are trying to plan out a family and it doesn't turn out the way you expect. Being a woman, most women know this. Everyone I know has had some sort of pregnancy loss it seems. Every woman handles it different emotionally, but I can tell you this much, any time someone has told me they have miscarried, tears seem to always come out..and that says something...It says something like this " this sucks, i'm sad, i'm angry, did i do something wrong, is this going to happen again?" ARGH. Even though one isn't that far along sometimes, I guess I have realized that as much as I tried to be strong about everything, it is horrible. I do wonder if it was a boy or girl...and stuff like that...

People keep saying how strong I am and stuff like that, and are amazed that we can think of trying again after everything we have been through. I kinda think that is sorta silly to me, because I don't think of myself like that, or strong, etc....It's just the human need to have a family I think. I know at least it's possible because we have Dex...so it's natures force I guess that keeps us wanting to try again...I do think once we eventually hopefully have one more baby, I will be DONE with the whole pregnancy thing...at least for a LOOOONG while...unless we decide down the road for one more....which is highly unlikely. PREGNANCY SUCKS. There, I said it. I for sure don't do it well, but there are some parts I like:

1.) eating a lot = awesome

2.) not caring what clothes u wear just going for comfort and people understand

3.) the sweet parking at the mall and baby stores for expectant mothers

4.) feeling your baby kick is the coolest thing on earth probably..till it hurts cuz they are bigger

5.) hubby getting meals late at night for me...wait he does that now...scratch that..

6.) hearing that heartbeat is pretty amazing

7.) ultrasounds are amazing when good.....

things i don't like:(but am willing to go through obviously...)

1.) sciatica..it blows. ouch

2.) hip pain

3.) back pain

4.) puking

5.) hard to sleep

6.) leg cramps

7.) round ligament pain

8.) braxton hicks

Well hopefully in the future we will have some better/exciting posts...till then...It's on to Dexter!

What is Dexter doing?? "Dexter is learning to talk. He is pretty good about copying what you say. Some newer words he has been saying.. "all gone", "bubbles", "boobies"(ugh my bad), "hot", "car"....He is OBSESSED with cars, car commercials, cars in the driveway, toy cars, cars in magazines, cars on his pjs, waving to cars when we are out driving....waving to cars out the window...Have I gotten the picture across to you??

Also, when we grocery shop he loves to say hi to EVERYONE. He just waves and says "hi, hi, hi" and he will wait for a response. He basically will give you a sweet smile and stare you down till you answer him. He loves seeing kids out, it's like he is fascinated by little people.

He is also in a clingy only wants me to hold him all day while I am trying to run around and do dishes or laundry, etc...or cook...it's kinda frustrating because he just cries if I put him down. It also could be because he isn't feeling well with his cold, but still...I need to get some things done!

Today it was battle over the drippy snot day. What a joyous occasion...

Poster Child for Pregnancy Loss??

So, we lost the pregnancy, and I am back to myself again. Yes, of course we are sad that the baby is gone, but at the same time realized that this was not the right time. The relief I had when everything was said and done, made me realize that I wasn't even mentally prepared to go through another pregnancy just yet. I guess I pushed aside everything we went through to get Dex, and it was a very stressful 9 months going to three doctor appointment a week plus shots, tons of ultrasounds and turning my world upside down....and then, I got pregnant again and just figured since Dex came out okay, that maybe I wouldn't have to go through all that again. Turned out, when I met with my doctor after they saw the heartbeat, she said the specialists will want to take the same path as before, because I ended up with a healthy baby. Needless to say I was ready to do whatever they told me, but thinking about how that would be while having a toddler to watch, I was surely overwhelmed...I didn't think I would have to do all that again, and I was for sure stressed and upset thinking about it. I didn't know how I would have help every week to go to all the appointments, while working, while moving into a new salon, and not being able to be my full mommy potential to Dexter. This all was waring on me mentally. Also, having the dog to take care of as well...Sooooooooooooo...then I had all the bleeding which scared me deeply, I didn't want to lose this baby, but when I did, I finally knew I didn't have to worry about the blood anymore, I wasn't in limbo anymore, and I knew I could focus on what I needed to focus on and actually better prepare for when we do try again. I am not ready to try again any time soon. We will know when the time is right. This time we will actually plan it, and get things in order to prepare for everything we will need to do. We thank you for all your kind comments and prayers, and we are thankful for all your support. xoxo

Seriously?

As if mother nature hasn't messed with me enough already...it decided to throw me some curve balls. I was working all day, went to the bathroom and saw RED blood. Prior to this the past few weeks I have been spotting just old brown blood...which is supposedly normal. The doctor and nurses told me, if it's brown, you are all good, if it's red, please call us. Great, right?? So I call the doctor, and she says "well, sometimes people bleed, and I think you will be just fine because we saw the heart beat a few days ago"...needless to say it is hard to set the mind at ease when you are bleeding while pregnant...right? I basically went home to rest and put my feet up, which doesn't really work well with a 1 year old...so I ended up chasing him for awhile...until Derrick took over and played with him and put him to bed.

I have a pretty busy day again tomorrow, but my stylists have been doing pretty well with helping me shampoo or style my clients after I cut or color them. It helps so I can sit for those minutes at least. I didn't think I would have to start this early with getting "help". But I have learned to screw what people think, and just listen to my body. Everyone has an opinion either or, and this time I don't care what people think. I don't carry babies well, and if I need to take it easy, I will. With Cora I was working 40 hour weeks, no help, and look where it got me. I knew my body was sore, but everyone kept telling me.." so and so worked till full term, or nurses can do it, so suck it up, etc"...This time, and with Dex...I could care less now what people think. My staff is so supportive which is amazing..I guess we will just hope the blood doesn't keep coming back..that would make me feel better...

almost nine weeks

BABY IS ALIVE AND FLUTTERING! Saw and heard the heartbeat today. The secret is out, well, sorta, most of u knew! lol. Feeling much better about not having sickness cuz all is well! Finally feel like this is real now. It's all coming together. I will have to probably go on progesterone shots again weekly, and have weekly ultrasounds, but I will take it! Anything to help this little babe make it into the world :)

8 weeks 1 day

Had spotting once again today...was lighter than the first time. I feel as though carrying Dex around doesn't help any. My hips are already wrecked, and the sciatica has kicked in full force. You may ask yourself, isn't 8 weeks too early for all this? Sadly, no. You would think my body would be used to this by now. So, picking up Dex really sucks, cuz my hips burn, but my little love doesn't understand this, so I really don't have a choice in the matter. I have to get him in and out of his crib, and in and out of his highchair...so, i'm not sure how the rest of the world does this. "they" "doctors" tell you not to lift over 20 pounds for a reason....yet children weigh more than this....ah well. I will just have to suck that part up, and deal with the ouch factor, but I don't want to strain too much, because I feel as tho, that is the reason for my spotting..

In Charlie Sheens words, "my top half is for sure "winning" lol " You would think I had some plastic surgery done up in here.. Yay for that!

Still zero puke factor for me. Ultrasound in 4 days. Slowest week ever. Hopefully it's ok.